PACIFIC RIM

Guillermo del Toro, 2013

Starring: Charlie Hunnam, Rinko Kikuchi, Idris Elba, Charlie Day, Ron Perlman

A crack has appeared on the floor of the Pacific Ocean and giant, otherworldly monsters known as kaiju begin to emerge and destroy the Earth. To retaliate, humans create the Jaeger, human piloted robots outfitted with a number of impressive weapons. These robots are too demanding for one human to pilot, so a team mentally merges (called Drifting) to pilot the Jaeger and take on kaiju. One of the most celebrated teams, Raleigh Becket and his brother, face off against an unexpectedly ferocious kaiju and Raleigh’s brother is killed. 

Several years later, the kaiju have gotten out of control and the government plans to cancel the Jaeger project and try to build a protective wall near the ocean portal. Commander Stacker Pentecost ignores the order and decides to try a last, desperate attack with the four remaining Jaegers. The fourth Jaeger needs pilots and Pentecost tracks down Raleigh and convinces him to return. They try out a number of potential partners, but Raleigh wants Mako Mori, a young Japanese woman who is the brains behind Pentecost’s project. For unknown reasons, Pentecost does not want her to become a pilot, but time is running out as the kaiju attacks become more frequent and more fearsome. 

I’m a big fan of del Toro, though sometimes I think I enjoy him more as a person and fellow fan than I do as a director. I really liked Cronos (1993), The Devil’s Backbone (2001), and Hellboy (2004), and enjoyed Pan’s Labyrinth (2006), and Hellboy II: The Golden Army (2008), despite its issues, and was far more entertained by Blade II (2002) than I probably should have been. My biggest issue with him is that I don’t think he’s particularly good at developing characters, a problem that is certainly evident with Pacific Rim. 

To play devil’s advocate with myself for a second, the movies that inspired Pacific Rim, such as Godzilla and other kaiju films, also don’t traditionally focus on the script and many of the human characters are two dimensional and forgettable. But this is OK because Godzilla films generally focus on one thing: Godzilla and other kaiju stomping the living shit out of things. All those movies ask you to care about are the kaiju and generally unveil scene after scene of fiery destruction. Pacific Rim, on the other hand, does have a lot of robot/monster fight scenes, but focuses precious little on the kaiju and more on the humans. And unfortunately the humans leave a lot to be desired. 

One of my biggest issues with Pacific Rim is the sheer amount of exposition in the first half hour of the film. I respect that del Toro attempted to totally set aside an origin story feel, but this immensely long movie crowded with underdeveloped characters all fighting for screen time would probably have been better served as a two part film. With the sheer amount that happens in the film, it would make sense to further develop a richer, longer story rather than rush everything at breakneck speed towards the conclusion. As a result, we are left with a series of cookie cutter characters, many of whom have absolutely nothing at stake, particularly Raleigh (Sons of Anarchy’s Charlie Hunnam), who is one of the two main protagonists. We know almost nothing about him, other than his brother/co-pilot was killed during a kaiju battle several years ago and he has some unresolved trauma. Despite the character’s significant amount of anger, frustration, and unresolved PTSD, he is pretty passive and has absolutely zero character development. This begs the question: Why wasn’t Raleigh called in sooner if he is such an impressive pilot? He gets over his trauma remarkably fast and the script quickly leaves him behind to focus on Mako, his co-pilot. 

I grew up loving Neon Genesis Evangelion and various Gundam series, so it’s nice to see someone do giant robots piloted by humans right, though del Toro is rehashing a lot of what these earlier series have already explored and skimming over the more complex elements. While series like Evangelion and Gundam Wing explore the physical and psychological effects of piloting a massive, weaponized robot, Pacific Rim barely touches upon this and uses it mainly to fluff out back story or provide a character with more obstacles. The Drift, for example, could be a far more powerful tool than it is. Instead it is only used twice, both times to quickly explain a character’s past trauma. Simply giving a character trauma does not equate complexity or development. One of the things Gundam Wing, for example, does particularly well is introduce a lot of characters who pilot these robots and provide them all with varying degrees of depth. They also each have very personal relationships with their robots, effectively humanizing the machines, something Pacific Rim also unfortunately fails to do. 

The pacing of the film - with constant nighttime fight scenes in the rain - destroys any sense of tension or the notion that something (the world) is at risk. Part of the problem is the number of two dimensional characters who are barely present in the film, such as the Russian couple and the Chinese triplets, supposedly bad ass fighter pilots who are killed far too quickly before we can either come to like them as characters or appreciate their skills as fighters. And the names, my god the names. Stacker Pentecost, played by one of my favorite current actors, Idris Elba, is almost completely wasted by the script’s constant attempts to undermine his abilities as commander. Characters frequently disobey or ignore his command, making him ineffective until he steps up to the plate to become a pilot himself. Why doesn’t Pentacost, often shown as a solid, unemotional commander, put Mako, whom he calls his biggest asset, in the fight sooner? The explanation for this (she is his foster daughter) is flimsy at best, as the entire world is about to erupt in apocalypse and Mako would die anyway. 

Max Martini and Rob Kazinsky are decent as the father and son piloting team and Rinko Kikuchi shines as Mako, the film’s true protagonist. I am grateful to del Toro for refusing to sexualize Mako. Instead, he presents her as an intelligent and vital member of the time, as well as being a gifted fighter. Her relationship with Raleigh is troubled, as the film nearly gives them a romantic subplot. Del Toro mostly avoids this, outside of some awkward scenes of her checking out Charlie Hunnam’s abs while he changes his shirt. Fortunately the film leaves things ambiguous and ends with a scene of them hugging, grateful they have accomplished their mission and somehow both survived, instead of relying on a cliched kiss. 

It is nice to see moments of del Toro’s humor, which doesn’t shine nearly as brightly as in Hellboy, but makes a few appearances in the form of Charlie Day (It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia), as a kaiju-obsessed scientist. While I enjoyed Day’s character, he feels cut into the film and would be more satisfying if he was better integrated into the main plot. His scenes with Ron Perlman, playing black market kaiju parts dealer Hannibal Chau, are some of the most delightful and represent the best dialogue in the film, which is a little unfortunate, considering that they are only side characters. 

The real reason I went to see Pacific Rim was for the creatures, both the kaiju and the robots that del Toro has named “Jaeger.” They all look fantastic and the kaiju veer dramatically away from Godzilla or Harryhausen territory and decidedly more towards the Lovecraftian. It was a little frustrating that they are primarily shown them in the rain, water, or darkness, and their phosphorescence is never explained, but they are still a welcome distance from recent creature features. The Jaeger, though underrepresented, are far more impressive than Michael Bay's awful Transformer films. 

Despite my complaints, Pacific Rim is worth seeing and has been getting rave reviews. As long as you can get past the weak script and sparse, unsatisfying attempts at character development, you will be pleasantly entertained. I thought about deleting my entire review and changing it to say “Giant robots fight giant monsters, what more do you want and what more can you expect?” And to a certain extent, this is very true. 

THE MAN WITH THE IRON FISTS

RZA, 2012

Starring: Russell Crowe, Lucy Liu, RZA, Cung Le, Byron Mann, Rick Yune, Jamie Chung

Anyone expecting The Man with the Iron Fists to be a big budget, action extravaganza-Hollywood blockbuster is going to be disappointed. Anyone expecting it to be Kill Bill part three is also going to be disappointed. But anyone who wants to see a ‘70s Shaw Brothers kung fu throwback will most likely have fun and walk away very entertained. The key here really is all about expectations. This is the first film from RZA, one of the most influential musicians and producers of the last 30 years. The man’s talent -- and his obsessive love for kung fu films, which is where the Wu-Tang Clan got their name -- is undeniable, but he is new to filmmaking. Cut the man some slack. 

The Man with the Iron Fists sprouted as an idea during the shooting of Tarantino’s Kill Bill, which RZA scored. He discussed the story idea with horror director Eli Roth, one of Tarantino’s proteges, and Roth and RZA eventually sat down to the pen the script together. A “presented by” credit from Tarantino and some A-list actors helped bring the project to fruition. 

Set during nineteenth century China, a freed slave turned blacksmith lives in Jungle Village and navigates life amidst warring clans, many of whom want him to craft deadly weapons for their ongoing war. The blacksmith and his girlfriend, the prostitute Lady Silk, are saving up money to earn Silk’s freedom and to set out on their own. The Lion Clan are charged with protecting a shipment of the government’s gold, but Gold Lion, the leader, is betrayed and assassinated by his second and third in command, Silver Lion and Bronze Lion. They take command of the clan and plan to steal the gold from its protectors, assassins known as the Geminis. Gold Lion’s son Zen-Yi plots revenge against them. Meanwhile a stranger known as Jack Knife arrives at the Pink Blossom brothel on “vacation,” but it is clear he has ulterior motives. The brothel’s owner, Madam Blossom, is also more than she seems, and convinces Silver Lion to hide the gold in her booby trapped cellar as they prepare for attacks from various clans. 

It may have been unwise for RZA to direct and write his first film and cast himself in the lead role, as he is an inexperienced actor and filmmaker, but he does better than expected as the blacksmith. The film’s major problem is that none of the characters are particularly well developed. The blacksmith has little dialogue and a lengthy, unnecessary flashback sequence in the middle of the film that pretty much brings the proceedings to a halt. Fortunately he is surrounded by some robust performances from actors like Russell Crowe, who is totally on top of his game as Jack Knife, the emperor’s opium-smoking, pussy-eating undercover agent. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him have so much fun with a role. I don't really enjoy Russell Crowe as an actor (Romper Stomper and L.A. Confidential are notable exceptions), but every moment he's on screen here is delightful. For an added bit of interest, Jack Knife was allegedly based on Ol’ Dirty Bastard, RZA's cousin and fellow Wu-Tang Clan member. 

Lucy Liu is decent as Madam Blossom, though due to the script limitations it feels like somewhat of a lazy reprisal of Kill Bill’s O-ren Ishii. Rick Yune (Ninja Assassin, Die Another Day, The Fast and the Furious) is good as Zen-Yi and has some very well choreographed fight scenes. The WWE’s David Batista appears as Brass Body, an evil martial artist with a special power. Jamie Chung (Sucker Punch) is the blacksmith’s lovely, if ineffectual girlfriend, Byron Mann is delightfully diabolical and vain as Silver Lion, and kickboxer Cung Le (True Legend) puts in an energetic performance as Bronze Lion and has a great fight sequence with Lucy Liu. There are numerous cameo appearances from exploitation and kung fu stars, such as Pam Grier, Chen Kuan-tai (Iron Monkey, Crippled Avengers), Gordon Liu, Bryan Leung (Five Shaolin Masters and dozens of other Shaw Brothers films throughout the ‘70s and ‘80s), and others. 

The film is messy, both in terms of editing and script, and the direction is a bit clunky, but it's brimming with enthusiasm and love of the kung fu genre. Despite the fact that it bombed critically, there are enough positive elements to make it worth watching. There’s a typically good, if overwhelming score from RZA and Howard Drossin. The action sequences, which were choreographed by Corey Yuen (The Transporter), are some of the finest moments of the film and the lengthy sequences towards the climax are excellent. To RZA’s credit, practical effects were used in favor of CGI, though there is a bit of the latter. The film is very violent and gory, probably more in the vein of Kill Bill than ‘70s kung fu films. Russell Crowe gets to cut in a man in half. 

Overall The Man with the Iron Fists is an uneven, but fun action flick and a flawed, yet entertaining first film from a director who clearly loves the genre. You could find plenty of things wrong with it, or you could just sit back and enjoy it for what it is: unabashed worship of the Shaw Brothers. Pick up the Blu-ray, which includes the special features and the extended, unrated cut as well as the theatrical version. 

WIZARDS OF THE DEMON SWORD

Fred Olen Ray, 1991

Starring: Lyle Waggoner, Russ Tamblyn, Blake Bahner, Heidi Paine

What an awful movie. I’m not really a Troma fan, so I sort of expected to dislike this, but I at least had a little faith in director Fred Olen Ray, the man responsible for such delightful trash as Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers (1988). That, apparently, was his high point, whereas this is what you would get if you remade Deathstalker II and took all the whimsy and enjoyment out of it. Melina’s father, Ulric, keeper of the mystical Sword of Aktar, is kidnapped and she is hunted by the guards of the evil Lord Khoura. She is rescued by the famous (in his mind anyway) swordsman Thane. He agrees to help her on her quest to retrieve the blade - which contains power to summon a terrible demon - and save her father. On the way they meet whores, a seer, some dinosaurs and another master swordsman. 

This movie is almost irredeemable. It is slow, utterly stupid and has some of the worst dialogue ever put on film. Short of quoting the movie, words cannot express how bad the combination of script and delivery are. And unlike the aforementioned Deathstalker II, it simply lacks the fun and charm that could have made it so-bad-it’s-good. I can’t think of a reason why anyone would have/want to watch Wizards of the Demon Sword. Come to think of it, isn’t a sword at all, it’s more like a dagger made out of plastic. There are also no wizards, only one would-be possessor of the “sword’s” magic, Lord Khoura, though he does deliver some great lines about how the titular blade allows the user to worship all evil, and things of that nature. Promising as that sounds, this is more the kind of film you want to turn into a drinking game than something you can actually sit down and enjoy. 

The best thing I can say about it is that it’s incredibly light-hearted and might please a trashy movie lover in the right sort of mood. There’s some amusing banter between Thane and another master swordsmen he meets along the way and some other things are unintentionally very funny. Like the fact that Russ Tamblyn (Twin Peaks) is Ulric, the supposedly venerable guardian of the sword, as well as the absurd claymation dinosaurs that come out of nowhere... twice. There is another useless scene in a brothel that at least affords us a few moments of belly dancing, which is about all the sexiness in this movie. Fred Olen Ray, what were you thinking? 

If you do watch it, keep your eyes peeled for a great scene where Thane punches Melina in the face after she tries to have sex with him. It’s justified, I promise. Also keep a look out for a cameo from Michael Berryman, who just can’t keep away from late ‘80s sword and sorcery movies. The acting is horrific. Lyle Waggoner (Lord Khoura) is really a sight to behold, but a sight you might only want to witness while intoxicated. 

Should you decide to subject yourself to Wizards of the Demon Sword, it is out on DVD from Troma. There is the usual intro from Uncle Lloyd, who goes on an amusing rant, but otherwise doesn’t take up much of our time. You know what? It’s New Year’s Eve, one of my least favorite days of the year, but still an excuse to drink whiskey. Which will hopefully erase the majority of Wizards of the Demon Sword from my brain. 

HIGHLANDER

Russell Mulcahey, 1986

Starring: Sean Connery, Christopher Lambert, Clancy Brown

I am perhaps not the best person to write objectively about Highlander, as it is one of my favorite films. I also grew up with a major love of the series. What began as one magic film has since developed into novels, comics, four more live action sequels and one animated film, two television series and an animated series, a card game and two video games. If you haven’t lived under a rock for the last 30 years, it is impossible not to at least have heard of Highlander and know that it means immortal swordsmen set about beheading each other left and right because there can be only one. 

Flashing back and forth between the 16th century Scottish Highlands and New York City in the present (the ‘80s), we follow the story of Connon MacLeod. In a parking garage, he sword fights with a man and then beheads him and receives the Quickening - a tremendous burst of energy - which attracts the attention of the police. He is arrested, but they don't have enough evidence to keep him. One of their consultants, Brenda, recognizes the rarity and value of his broadsword. 

We move back to the Highlands, where he is killed in battle by a fearsome warrior known as the Kurgan, who has travelled there specifically to cut off his head. The Kurgan is prevented from doing this, but Connor dies and reawakens to life as an Immortal. He is shunned by his village, who think witchcraft is responsible. He marries a woman named Heather and meets a third Immortal, Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez, who explains Immortal life to him and trains him to defeat the Kurgan in battle. 

Ramirez explains that the last Immortal to remain alive will win the Prize, and if the Kurgan wins this, it will spell doom for humanity. While Connor is away the Kurgan kills Ramirez and rapes Heather. Ultimately Connor and Heather live a long life together and she dies of old age. Back in New York, Connor must face his growing attraction to Brenda and find the Kurgan before the Kurgan finds and beheads him.

For some bizarre reason the film wasn’t well received, but has since become a cult classic. Deservedly so. Though it doesn’t follow the normal trajectory of a sword and sorcery film, it is certainly one of the best ever made and also ranks highly among the heavy output of ‘80s action flicks. It’s hard not to like Highlander. The setting is both medieval and noirish, there are plenty of great fight and training sequences, and Christopher Lambert’s brooding performance is perfectly balanced by Sean Connery’s roguish Spaniard and Clancy’s fantastic Kurgan, who absolutely steals the show. I wish the ending of the film had been ignored (as the sequels all do anyway) and the Kurgan had been given his own spin off series. 

Now would be a great time to mention that we have a Frenchman (Lambert) with a somewhat heavy accent playing a Scotsman pretending to have an American accent. And then we have a real Scotsman (Connery) with a thick Scottish accent playing a Spaniard who is actually an Egyptian. Anything goes. There are certainly some ridiculous elements, particularly from the subpar Roxanne Hart, but most of the film’s flaws just increase its overall charm. And it opens with a pro-wrestling match. This is pure '80s, all the way, and the fact that it is clearly dated should not be a deterrent.

The magic of this film is that it attempts to explore the question of immortality (and thus mortality). Connor is withdrawn, perhaps miserable and, at times, kind of creepy. But despite the film's B movie flaws, he is a compelling character that pulls us along against all odds. The score, by Michael Kamen and with several tracks by Queen, is one of the finest points of the film. Director Mulcahy is mostly known for his numerous music videos and matches up some of Queen’s hits perfectly with the film. I cannot recommend Highlander strongly enough. The film is out on Blu-ray (the director’s cut) from Lion’s Gate. Special features include deleted scenes and an audio commentary from Mulcahy.

I sadly cannot heap as much praise on any of the sequels. Highlander II: The Quickening (1991), the direct sequel to Highlander, is essentially the beginning of the end. Let me say here and now that all the live action sequels are completely lousy, though somehow The Quickening is even worst than the third film, which I will get to in a moment. Highlander director Russell Mulcahy returns, as do Christopher Lambert and Sean Connery. The Earth's ozone is thinning dangerously, killing millions, including Brenda, Connor's wife from the first film. She makes him promise to solve the failing ozone issues. Because he is a scientist all of a sudden. And so he makes an artificial shield to protect the Earth, which plunges the world into darkness after a few years of stability. The Shield has been taken over by an evil company and, naturally, rebels spring up, hoping to take it back. 

You know what? I can’t even continue with a reasonable plot description. I can say that The Quickening involves an opera, a foreign planet, Ramirez (Connery’s character from the first film), Connor using some sly anti-aging tricks, and all sorts of other nonsense. Please don’t watch this movie unless you are incredibly drunk. Allegedly there is a director’s cut that is “better” than the version I’ve seen, but I don’t even know how that could be possible. 

Highlander III: The Sorcerer aka Highlander: The Final Dimension aka Highlander 3: The Final Conflict is another film that no one needs to see. Ever. Connor is back and journeys to Japan during the 16th century to train with a sorcerer, Nakano. Another Immortal, Kane, massacres the villagers and defeats Nakano. The ensuing Quickening traps him inside Nakano’s cave, though Connor is able to escape. There is a brief interlude to revolutionary France, where Connor is almost killed and is forced to leave behind his lover Sarah. In the present day, after the events of the first film, Connor believes the Game to be over. An archaeologist, Alexandra, who resembles his former lover Sarah, accidentally frees Kane. Alexandra tracks down Connor to help him fight Kane. Their showdown will now be the final end to the Game. This at least tries to return to the mythology of the first film, after the disaster of the second, but does so badly. As I said earlier, it's probably stil better than The Quickening. 

Highlander: Endgame (2000) is the fourth sequel in this awful franchise. Someone should have paid heed to the film’s motto: “There can only be one.” Directed by Douglas Aarniokoski and starring Adrian Paul and Christopher Lambert, this is meant to continue Highlander: The Series, which is why it stars both Connor (Lambert) and his younger kinsman Duncan (Paul). 

Connor tries to save his mother from a rabid priest, Jacob, but he is too late and Jacob kills Connor’s mother after charging her with witchcraft. Though Connor kills him, Jacob rises again as an Immortal and swears vengeance against Connor, which apparently takes hundreds of years. Jacob gains a massive amount of strength by breaking the rules of the Game and kills anyone Connor cares about. Connor’s kinsmen Duncan gets involves and teams up with Connor to defeat the now insane Jacob once and for all. To say this film is bad would be too charitable. There’s a lot of sword fighting, but that’s the only positive thing I can say about it. I don't know why they kept making these, particularly when all of the sequels received such negative acclaim. 

The fifth film, Highlander: The Source (2007), is probably the worst of the sequels and fortunately is the last. It might be tied with the second, though that has a certain "so bad it's good" quality. Directed by Brett Leonard (Lawnmower Man) and starring Adrian Paul, this is a spin-off of the television series. It was supposed to be the start a SciFi Channel film trilogy (now offensively named SyFy), but bombed so badly that we were spared the final two films. Some Immortals are trying to find the source of their power, which irritates the protective “Guardians of the Source.” Joe Dawson (Jim Byrnes) and Methos (Peter Wingfield) must find Duncan so that they can all find the Source and prevent it from falling into the wrong hands. Seriously, the less said about this, the better. It's not bad in an Ed Wood kind of way, more in boring, pointless sort of way. 

Fortunately the sequels have been erased from my mind by Highlander the Series (1992 - 1998), one of my first loves growing up. Though Connor briefly appears, the series follows Duncan MacLeod (Adrian Paul), who lives in Vancouver with his girlfriend Tessa, an artist, where they run an antique shop together. An Immortal, Quince, has been hunting Duncan, but is also being pursued by Connor. They have a show down in which Duncan decapitates Quince and gains the Quickening. A young punk and drifter, Richie, witnesses this. Sensing that he is a future Immortal, Duncan takes him in and gives him a job. Throughout the season they encounter other immortals, some bad, some good, including the former warrior, now monk Darius, who has sworn a vow of non-violence. He was Duncan’s teacher and remains his friend, but is being stalked by another Immortal. Season one introduces some of the reoccurring characters, like the beautiful but selfish thief Amanda, as well as the secret society of mortal Watchers that chronicle the history of the Immortals. 

Season two continues to develop the story of the Watchers and introduces the main Watcher, Duncan’s soon to be friend Joe Dawson. Duncan begins training Richie at a dojo and proposes to Tessa. Unfortunately this is interrupted by a group of renegade Watchers who hunt down and kill Immortals. Season three is a little more episodic. Duncan becomes better friends with Joe and finds a new girlfriend. Richie, predictably, gets into trouble. Season four focuses more on Duncan’s relationships with Amanda and my favorite reoccurring character, Methos, the oldest living immortal. The episodic season five moves further away from the Watchers (other than Joe) and is not as good as the previous seasons, though we learn a lot more about Methos. The less said about season six, the better. 

I don’t know if I can recommend it, but I really love this show. It was a staple of my youth and I spent a lot of hours watching it with my grandmother. I didn’t have the most highly developed critical faculties at the time. Regardless, it has received mostly positive reviews. Adrian Paul isn’t that great of an actor, but he brings a certain warmth and charisma to Duncan and has enough range to do exactly what the script demands of him. The strength of the show is that it continues to explore the difficulty of being immortal - of aging and not aging, the trouble of having power and remaining uncorrupted, losing loved ones, etc. Plus there’s a lot of sword fighting. It is by far a better sequel than any of the additional films. 

Seasons two through four are my favorite, though five also has plenty of strong moments. The sixth season is outright bad, partly because the series just went on for too long and Adrian Paul was desperate to finish the show. If you are expecting an extended version of Highlander, you will be disappointed. This has more swashbuckling, adventure and romance. It is also solidly planted in the '90s. It will please fans of historical fiction; because Duncan is 400 years old, many of the episodes cover his past adventures, as well as older characters like Methos and Darius. 

Highlander: The Series was so beloved that it didn’t just stop at the show. There were a lot of spin off novels, audio books and an animated web series focusing on Methos. There was also a further spin-off, Highlander: The Raven (1998 - 1999), which continued after the departure of Duncan MacLeod and followed his friend, sometimes lover and fellow Immortal, Amanda (Elizabeth Gracen). 

During Highlander: The Series, Amanda is introduced as a mostly amoral thief. In The Raven, she has a change of heart after a human police officer dies defending her. The dead officer’s partner is a soon-to-be Immortal and teams up with Amanda to solve some mysteries. This only ran one season and got mixed reviews. I personally disliked it, but the last two seasons of Highlander pretty much drove things into the ground for me and Amanda was one of my least favorite characters. 

The third television series, Highlander: The Animated Series (1994 - 1996), ran for two seasons and loosely followed Connor MacLeod. I’ve never seen this adaptation, probably because it was originally aired in Canada. Connor and the other remaining mortals stop fighting one another after a nuclear catastrophe on Earth. Of course, there is one immortal who refuses to follow this plan and still tries to win the Prize. Connor dies fighting him, but one of his kinsman, Quentin, takes up the charge. Ramirez also appears in the series to train Quentin. 

Because there weren’t already enough Highlander films, Highlander: The Search for Vengeance (2007) was released. I haven’t seen this yet, but I’ve heard good things about it. Directed by Yoshiaki Kawajiri (Ninja Scroll), this anime-Highlander hybrid at least makes a more reasonable return to form that all of the live-action sequels. Colin MacLeod, a Roman Empire-era Immortal, is on a quest for revenge against another Immortal, the solider Marcus Octavius, who killed Colin’s family while trying to create a utopian society. In my opinion, revenge plots never get old, plus the Roman setting (with Stonehenge and druids) is a refreshing take. They also move to post-apocalyptic New York, another one of my favorite settings. 

Because the Highlander series does seem to be immortal, a remake of the original was planned in 2008 and continues to trudge along. I hope to gods this never gets made and, to make matters worse, Ryan Reynolds is currently signed on to play Connor. Watch this instead:

G.I. JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA

Stephen Sommers, 2009

Starring: Channing Tatum, Sienna Miller, Christopher Eccleston, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Rachel Nichols, Marlon Wayans, Ray Park, Lee Byung-hun, Dennis Quaid

I can't believe I'm going to admit this, but I actually enjoyed G.I. Joe: The Rise of the Cobra. Based on the G.I. Joe action figures created by Hasbro, the film takes most of its characters and plot from the cartoon series, G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero, and later comics of the same name. Though far from perfect, this sci-fi tinged action film feels like a living comic book and is plenty fun to keep its two-hour running time chugging along at a pleasant pace.

The plot is unfortunately long and complicated. James McCullen (Eccleston), owner of the M.A.R.S. weapons company, announces to the world that he has created advanced nanotechnology capable of destroying or repairing on a grand scale. The highly dangerous nanotech war-heads he has just sold to NATO are being transported by an elite unite headed by Duke (Tatum) and Ripcord (Wayans). They are ambushed by a mysterious woman, the Baroness (Miller), though they manage to hold on to the warheads. These are soon claimed by an even more elite, secret unit, the Joes, who take the warheads, plus an insistent Duke and Ripcord back to their base, hidden under the Egyptian desert. Duke reveals that the Baroness was his former fiancee, who hasn't spoken to him since the unfortunate death of her scientist brother several years earlier during a military accident. After strenuous testing and training, Duke and Ripcord are begrudgingly invited to join the team, which includes Snake Eyes (Park), a mute ninja, Breaker (Taghmaoui), a computer expert, the super-smart Scarlett (Nichols) and team leader Heavy Duty (Akinnuoye-Agbaje). Their commanding officer is General Hawk (Quaid).

Meanwhile it is revealed that the Baroness was trying to steal the warheads for McCullen. When they discover where the Joes are located, she begins a second mission with the help of the ninja Storm Shadow (Lee) and Zartan (Vosloo), another of McCullen's agents. They successfully acquire the warheads and flee to Paris, in order to force the Baroness's scientist husband to weaponize them. McCullen plans to combine the ultimate destruction caused by the warheads with the efficiency of his nano-controlled soldiers to take over the world. Helping him is the badly deformed Doctor (Gordon-Levitt), who has created a mind-control serum with the help of nanomites, which renders the soldiers obedient and immune to pain. Will the Joes be able to stop them?

Though this is not a good film by any stretch of the imagination, it is a hell of a lot of fun. In some ways, it is in line with films like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Mortal Kombat, and Street Fighter, in the sense that it feels a lot like a live-action cartoon. There are many plot holes and technological elements that make no sense, but Rise of Cobra ignores these things with gleeful abandon. The film is framed around action sequences and there should be enough of these to please long time fans and action film-lovers. Though the action can be a little cartoonish, in part due to some lousy CGI, we still get to see things like invisibility fatigues, jet-packs, the Accelerator suit and other high tech gadgets. The film also takes a lot of elements from the comic, giving it a slightly more grown up feel than the cartoon and mini-series. It is also family friendly, because the violence is completely bloodless and the humor stays safe and playful.

There are also a lot of bad things about Rise of Cobra, first and foremost the CGI. In parts, it is seamless, but most of the time it feels childish and unfinished, namely during the latter half of that film that takes place on the Arctic M.A.R.S. base. There are many things in the physical world of the film that are unnecessary and ostentatious that the budget simply can't support. Though the plot is relatively quick, there are some painful sequences when Sommers attempts to give us back story or personality development. The plot in general is full of holes and things that make absolutely no sense, like Scarlett displaying her knowledge of Scottish Gaelic military jargon. Another potential problem is that unless you already have a general familiarity with G.I. Joe, in particular the villains, things won't make a whole lot of sense.

It is fair to say that the acting is the worst part of the film with the Joes as the major offenders. I simply don't like Channing Tatum, though he looks the part. It's a shame he's devoid of any character or personality. Marlon Wayans delivers some predictably stupid comic lines and the rest of the Joes are forgettable, mostly because of the poor writing and lousy dialogue. Denis Quaid seems to enjoy his time as General Hawk and there's a cameo from an obviously excited Brendan Fraser. Ray Park's Snake Eyes is always worth watching, though notably, he has no dialogue. But that doesn't matter, because he kicks the living shit out of Storm Shadow.

As a kid, the Cobra villains were always my favorite part of the cartoon and they remain to be so in the film version. Joseph Gordon-Levitt is fantastic as the Doctor (no spoilers here, buddy) and totally disappears into his role. Christopher Eccleston, whom I will watch in anything, is also great as the future Destro. Arnold Vosloo (the titular villain in Sommers's The Mummy) has a wonderful bit part as Zartan, Cobra Commander's later partner in crime and master of disguise. Lee Byung-hun is the perfect Storm Shadow. There's even a cameo from Kevin J. O'Connor as Doctor Mindbender and I couldn't help but wonder where he wandered off to over the course of the film. Though Eccleston and Gordon-Levitt will not appear in the sequel, I am still excited to see where the writers are going to take their characters. Fortunately Sienna Miller's Baroness will not return either. Though she's generally an enjoyable character in the comics, the stupid romantic connection between she and Duke ruined any of her bad-ass villain credibility. As did her acting.

If you're in the mood for something fun and silly, go with Rise of Cobra. Despite the horrible reviews, it's an entertaining film meant to be accompanied by lots of popcorn and candy. It's available on DVD and Blu-ray from Paramount, though I would avoid the latter because it will only draw attention to the occasionally painful, unfinished CGI scenes. There's already a trailer for the sequel, G.I. Joe: Retaliation, which is due out later this year. Mystifyingly, almost the entire original cast is absent. Channing Tatum is slated to return, but more importantly we will get to see Ray Park as Snake Eyes and Lee Byung-hun as Storm Shadow. I don't know what the hell they're going to do with Cobra Commander, but at least it stars the Rock and has a cameo from Bruce Willis.

FOR Y'UR HEIGHT ONLY

Eddie Nicart, 1981
Starring: Weng Weng, Yehlen Catral, Carmi Martin, Beth Sandoval

Yes, this is EXACTLY what you think it is. A Filipino midget super-spy movie. I'm not sure what else to say, other than that it was amazing and I haven't laughed so consistently throughout a movie in a long time.

Weng Weng aka Agent 00 has to rescue Dr. Van Kohler from the evil Mr. Giant, who has kidnapped him in order to learn how to make an N-bomb. Agent 00 happens to be an expert marksman, expert martial artist, expert lady seducer and all around spy-extraordinaire. And he's about three and half feet tall. Of course Mr. Giant's henchman thwart 00 at every turn, but with the help of a few hot lady accomplices, he manages to save the day.

I really don't want to do a detailed review of this. Part of the joy is that you know what's going to happen, but you still managed to be surprised by the sheer outrageousness. And woe be it for me to ruin that for anyone. This is one of those amazing films where suspension of disbelief is never an issue, which makes cinema magic possible at every turn.

Also, I can't stress enough that this film is RIDICULOUS. If you enjoy camp, exploitation, spy films, midgets and bad dubbing then For Y'ur Height Only is definitely for you. If you don't, you'll probably hate it and want to punch me in the face for recommending it.

Fortunately, For Y'ur Height Only is available from the wonderful Mondo Macabro as a two disc double feature with Challenge of the Tiger, which features Bruce Li, a Bruce Lee imitator and one of the stars of the Brucesploitation genre. You can also find The Impossible Kid on DVD, a sequel to For Y'ur Height Only that I haven't seen... yet.

I will leave you with the trailer. Pure bliss.

P.S. If you've ever wanted to see a midget battle a dwarf, then this film is especially for you.

FIVE ELEMENT NINJA

Cheh Chang, 1982
Starring: Tien-chi Cheng, Tien Hsiang Lung, Meng Lo, Wai-Man Chan, Chu Ko

A few ago I started seriously getting into Hong Kong crime cinema (think John Woo, Wong Kar Wai and so on) and that about marks the period where I stopped watching a lot of kung fu films. That's fucking stupid, because so many of them are amazing. Five Element Ninja may not be particularly strong in the budget department, but it's a hell of a lot of fun and has some incredible fight scenes.

Tsiau Chin Hau's kung fu school is disgraced and destroyed by head honcho ninja Cheng Yun and his highly trained five element ninjas. They set the school on fire, kill many of the students and even dispatch the master. Tsiau Chin Hau and a few of his surviving brothers are determined to beat the odds and get revenge. They find a teacher who will help them combine their kung fu training with new-found ninja skills to beat Cheng Yun once and for all.

The real reason to watch this film is the amazing, extended fight sequence at the end of the film with the five elements ninjas. They have to face off against gold, wood, water, fire and earth in some truly bloody and spectacular battles, making Five Element Ninja one of the most visually appealing kung fu films, even if the budget is stretched as far as it can possibly go. There's also some inventive fight choreography designed by co-star Chu Ko that kicks ass and spills a lot of guts. The movie was made primarily to showcase the talents of rising star Tien-chi Cheng and though he kicks ass, fortunately doesn't hog all the screen time from his talented co-stars.

It's the sort of typical kung fu revenge plot where you are expected to root for the underdog with the heart of gold who has lost everything at the brutal hands of his enemies. In this case it's also the classic kung fu masters vs evil ninjas scenario that I am totally in love with. I also have a secret weakness for training sequences in kung fu films and there are some great funny moments when the kung fu students have to master ninjitsu.

Though this comes at the end of the great Chang Cheh's reign as a blockbuster director for Shaw Brothers, it is surprisingly bloody and sexy. There's a totally hot female ninja who is basically only wearing a fishnet body stocking. She's responsible for most of the emotional drama in the film and, predictably, is a crazy bitch.

If you're unfamiliar with Chang Cheh, please seek out more of his work. He is basically the greatest director of Hong Kong martial arts cinema and helped to make a name for the wonderful Shaw Brothers studio, the most prolific production company in Hong Kong history. This was Chang Cheh's last major kung fu film for Shaw Brothers, but produced some of their greatest films during his career -- The One Armed Swordsmen, Five Venoms, The Kid with the Golden Arm, and my personal favorite, Crippled Avengers. He's amazing.

There aren't many flaws at work in Five Element Ninjas. Sure, the budget is non-existent, it's slow in parts and suffers from poor picture quality and bad English dubbing. But who the hell cares? To summarize, this movie rules.

It is readily available from Tokyo Shock and I demand that you watch it immediately. It's also known as Five Element Ninjas and Chinese Super Ninjas, so chances are you will also find it in some of those enormous cheap box sets with 50 different kung fu films.