THE DREAMERS

Bernardo Bertolucci, 2004

Starring: Michael Pitt, Eva Green, Louis Garrel

Bernardo Bertolucci’s sexually explicit romantic drama set in Paris, 1968, concerns three young cinephiles: Matthew, an American studying French, and the twins Théo and Isabelle. They meet at the Cinémathèque Française, which all three attend religiously until it is shut down for political reasons. Matthew has no friends until Théo and Isabelle seek him out and soon bring him home for dinner. When their parents go out of town, Matthew essentially moves in and the three ignore the outside world with an intense exploration of cinema, sex and identity until their idyll is shattered by the events of the outside world. 

Known for his beautiful, sometimes controversial films, The Dreamers is no exception. Due to its sexual content, the film was released in two versions, an uncut NC-17 limited release and a shorter R-rated version. The sex is certainly more explicit that most historical dramas with tons of male and female nudity, shots of genitalia, etc. I don’t think anyone reading a cult movie blog should feel uncomfortable about the kind of sex and nudity portrayed here, but then I’ve never understood why violence is more acceptable than sex in the visual arts (at least in the U.S.). The sex is obviously simulated and is not going to blow any pornography enthusiasts out of the water, but it might be too intense to watch with, say, a family member or a coworker. There is the implication of incest between Théo and Isabelle, particularly in the scenes where they sleep naked in the same bed, but this is never fully realized. 

All three of the actors seem perfectly comfortable with the nudity and sex scenes. It is difficult to say that one of the three shines more than the others, but Eva Green sets herself apart simply because she is the only primary female character and because she is so lovely. Incredibly, this was her film debut despite strong encouragement from her family and agent not to take the role. Michael Pitt (Hedwig and the Angry Inch, The Heart is Deceitful Above All Things, HBO’s Boardwalk Empire) is known for choosing daring roles. He gives a great early performance here as Matthew and perfectly expresses the character’s vulnerability, insecurity, and anxiety. Though none of the characters are very developed, Pitt’s Matthew is responsible for the arc of the story. French actor Louis Garrel (Ma Mere, Les chansons d’amour) may have less material to work with than the other two actors, but he brings intelligence, charm and mystery to Théo’s character. 

The flawless cinematography from Fabio Cianchetti is a strong reason to see this film. Both the Parisian exteriors and the interior of the apartment have a painterly influence and there are many visual references to other classic films. The script was written by British writer Gilbert Adair, based on his novel The Holy Innocents, which he later re-wrote as The Dreamers, allegedly feeling that the film improved on the original novel. The only major difference between the film and the novel is that Matthew explores a sexual relationship with Théo as well as Isabelle. I’m not really sure why this was left out of the film. 

The politics — Matthew as a pacifist and Théo as a violent revolutionary (though only in talk, not action) —  weave in an out of the film and don’t form a cohesive argument. In case you are unaware of the history, Paris in 1968 was the setting of the infamous May student riots, which could be a fascinating film in and of itself. A general strike of students successfully brought the French economy to a standstill, if however brief. The government nearly collapsed. Amidst this historical setting is a second backdrop: classic cinema and the French New Wave. There are clips of historical figures like François Truffaut and Henri Langlois inserted into the film. Scenes from various films are also inserted into The Dreamers or quoted or acted out by the three protagonists, such as a famous scene where the three recreate the race through the Louvre Museum from Godard's Bande à part. 

Cinephiles will absolutely love many moments of The Dreamers. Bertolucci manipulates the three characters' love of and reliance on cinema to create a dream world of emotionally stunted but smart and imaginative people who live their lives by watching films. Their exile in the apartment symbolizes their withdrawal from life, which Bertolucci refuses to romanticize. They live in absolute squalor, blow through the money their parents gave them, have no money for food, and play cruel emotional games with one another that are instigated by Isabelle. The characters, particularly the twins, represent the failures of insisting to exist in an imaginary world, frozen in time, while the real world is blaring outside their window. 

The Dreamers is a film about too many things - a specific period in French and cinematic history, a battle for personal identity, a debate about political effectiveness, and sexual exploration. The film’s love of cinema and related love of sexual exploration will delight many viewers, but there is just not enough development and cohesion to put this on the same level as some of Bertolucci’s great works, like Last Tango in Paris and The Last Emperor. It has tremendous potential and comes highly recommended, but unfortunately fizzles out into frustrating inactivity and a murky, anticlimactic ending. The film raises subjects and asks questions it is simply incapable of fully exploring or answering. 

This French-British-Italian co-production is available uncut on DVD from Fox. The disc includes two documentaries, Bertolucci Directs The Dreamers and Outside the Window: Events in France, May 1968. There is an audio commentary track (recorded separately) from Bertolucci, Adair and the producer, Jeremy Thomas, as well as a few more extras. A mediocre Bertolucci film is still worlds better and more interesting than the best work by your average filmmaker. 

Get that Vagina-Shaped Chip Off Your Shoulder, Or Why I Dislike Women in Horror Month

In the last few years, February has come to be known as Women in Horror Month to a relatively small group of horror fans and cinephiles. For this, I blame the internet. The internet is a great and wonderful place where I can find out of print or unavailable films with just a brief search and a few simple clicks. It is also a place where whiners can come together and encourage each other to believe that their lives are  difficult. 

To clarify, I am a woman. I am also a horror fan. These two things are neither related nor unrelated, they’re just parts of who I am. The world is full of lots of great female horror fans, filmmakers, magazine editors, writers, festival organizers, film programmers, etc. I think all of these women deserve attention, NOT because they are women, but because they are talented, smart, interesting, inspirational (I think anyone who makes a decision to do/celebrate what they love is inspiring) and good at what they do. I could make a list of some of these women, but that will be all over the internet this month. And as I said, they deserve the recognition and the celebration. 

But not specifically because they are women.

Do you know why Black History Month and Women’s History Month exist? To celebrate and recognize people who have been historically abused, forced into slavery, denied basic human rights, ignored, silenced, murdered, raped, etc. Anyone who has suffered this way deserves far more than just a month of recognition and respect, but female horror fans have not suffered any of these things simply because they are female horror fans. 

Maybe there are women out there who have been bullied, ignored, and prevented from celebrating their love of horror or desire to, say, make a horror film. If this has happened to you, I’m sorry. Email me and I will gladly tear whomever has been doing this to you a new one. I will also give you some empowering advice and help you celebrate your love of horror in any way I can. But this has not been my experience. I will go so far as to say that I have never had a truly bad experience with a male horror fan. My dad and uncles fostered an early love of sci-fi, horror, action films, and Westerns in me. I have been a horror fan as long as I can remember and it is simply part of my identity. And the many male horror fans I have encountered over the years - as family members, friends, romantic partners, actors/directors/authors at conventions or film screenings - have done nothing but enforce the love I have for the horror genre and the loose scene that surrounds it.

As someone of average attractiveness, sometimes I get hit on. There is a very small female to male ratio within the scene. It happens. To me it has usually happened in a respectful, flattering way. Assholes are assholes and they are out there, but at some point every woman has to learn how to deal with this. Which is terrible -- hello, Women’s History Month -- but this has nothing to do with the horror genre specifically. 

To be honest, the only repeat difficulty I have had within the horror scene is from other women. I have a number of amazing female friends who like horror films (and a few non-horror fan friends who will bravely attempt to sit through things on my account), so I’m not trying to suggest that awful women in horror is the norm. I am simply not interested in jealousy, professional, sexual or otherwise. 

A few examples of the negative behavior I've witnessed:

1. I am not trying to have sex with your boyfriend. Just because I am involved in a healthy, if somewhat boisterous debate with him about how much I hate a certain movie that he loves, there is no sexual element. We are two adult, educated film fans engaging in debate because it’s fun.
2. Stop trying to one up me. I love horror movies, you love horror movies. This is not a competition that anyone can win, it is something that should bring us together and make us friends. 
3. If you want people to take you seriously when writing about or debating horror films, novels, and so on, educate yourself. With the existence of Netflix and the internet, it is incredibly easy. If someone brings up something you have never heard of, don’t get angry and assume they are trying to out do you or shut you out, simply go out and educate yourself. You will probably discover lots of new things you love. 

The examples could go on. What I am trying to say is that I disagree with the fundamental concepts that:

Women in horror need recognition because they are being actively shut out of the community. This is simply not true. Regardless of your gender, it takes a lot of hard work and dedication to become a successful blogger, writer, filmmaker, etc. There is no way around this. Being a fan, on the other hand, is incredibly easy. Just enjoy what you love.

“I’m female therefore you should pay special attention to my work.” If your work is bad, I want nothing to do with it regardless of your gender. I am especially skeptical of advertising -- whether it is for a film or a blog -- where half the advertising is centered on your gender and/or appearance. I just want the work to be interesting, inspired, and intelligent. If your work is bad, your opinions are uneducated, or you act like an asshole, I can assure you that 95% of the time, people ignoring you or trash-talking you has nothing to do with you being female. 

Women in Horror Month is fundamentally oxymoronic. It says, “we should be treated equally as horror fans/artists, but for this month we should also be special and more important just because we have vaginas.” What?

I am not alone in my frustrations with Women in Horror month. Read what these very intelligent ladies over at Brutal as Hell have to say about it. 

And if you have really had bad experiences being a female horror fan, please share them. 

THE DIRTY GIRLS

Radley Metzger, 1965

Starring: Reine Rohan, Denyse Roland, Marlene Sherter, Peter Parten

The Dirty Girls is Metzger’s first solo feature length film. Though he made the compilation Dictionary of Sex (1964) before this, this is the first film that would foreshadow some of his later erotic masterpieces. It follows the exploits of two prostitutes, Garance and Monique, one located in Paris and the other in Germany. The two women are not connected, other than by their professions, and the film has an episodic feel. The first section deals with a ditzy “working girl” and a variety of her clients who attempt to represent a wide scope of general johns. We then switch to the Munich whore and her daily adventures. 

These women are completely unlike the strong female characters in Metzger’s later films and are one of the primary reasons that The Dirty Girls pales in comparison to many of his later works. It is also campier with some silly scenes involving a swimming pool and some fully clothed attempts at debauchery, not a lot of nudity, and some very circumspect sex scenes. The most graphic moments are a little bit of lesbianism, some S&M and an attempted rape, though it seems laughable by today’s standards. Apparently these moments were scandalous in 1965, but I don’t think there are many women “of 1000 pleasures” to be found in The Dirty Girls. 

This low budget film makes good use of European settings, prefiguring some of Metzger’s lush locations and cinematography in his later films. There is an occasionally good use of humor, but it is mostly awkward and there is an unfortunate subplot with a business man. The characters and dialogue are difficult to take serious. On the other hand, the smooth voiced, very serious male narrator is unintentionally hilarious. 

The Dirty Girls is interesting primarily because it provides a glimpse at the transition between early ‘60s mondo films and the Golden Age of Porn in the ‘70s and early ‘80s. Despite the unfortunate title, this isn’t nearly as dirty as it implies. I would only recommend it to Metzger or ‘60s/‘70s erotica completists. There are some nice period elements, such as classy visuals, a jazzy score and a romanticism of all that is European. One of the loveliest scenes in the films involves one of the ladies making out with herself up against a mirror. 

This was released on DVD by Image Entertainment as part of their Radley Metzger series. It marks a vast improvement over previous releases, though the image is not perfect. It’s very out of print by this point, but you can find used copies online for a reasonable price. The DVD includes trailers and a nudie reel of scenes that were restored back into the film by Image (they were cut for the theatrical release). 

DARK ODYSSEY

William Kyriakis, Radley Metzger, 1961

Starring: Athan Karras, Jeanne Jerrems, David Hooks, Rosemary Torri

Radley Metzger’s first film, co-directed with his friend William Kyriakis, is a straightforward drama with touches of the crime or noir genres, and is completely different from the rest of Metzger’s output. Yianni, a Greek sailer who has emigrated to New York City, is determined to find the man responsible for his sister’s dishonor and death. She was engaged to a man who abandoned her and her subsequent suicide is a result of public shame with the implication of rape or some damning sexual relationship. During his quest to find this man, Yianni meets Nikki, a lovely, innocent Greek American. He falls in love with her and begins to believe that they could lead a normal, happy life and perhaps he should abandon his revenge plot.

Though Dark Odyssey aka Passionate Sunday is unlikely to attract fans of Metzger’s erotic films, it is worthy of seeing for a number of reasons. First, it presents a realistic snapshot of every day life in New York in the ‘50s, one that runs concurrently with the film’s narrative. Second, it is one of the most intimate filmic looks at post-war Greek immigrants, their life in America and the continuation of their cultural traditions. Many of the actors and extras were Greek, the film was shot in Greek neighborhoods in Washington Heights, on the Hudson, and near the George Washington Bridge, in a Greek-owned nightclub, diner, church, etc. Many of the people involved with the film donated their time and locations. When it finally received distribution, it was shown in theaters frequented by Greek-American and there is allegedly a dubbed Greek-language version of the film to make it more appealing to Greek Americans.

This neorealist family drama, focused on honor and ethics, bears little relationship to any of Metzger’s other works and instead feels like a combination of John Cassavetes, Morris Engle, Elia Kazan, and maybe even early Scorsese. Shot independently, this is a film about regular people in ‘50s New York: sailors, immigrants, working class people with difficult lives. It captures the ins and outs of Greek family life, of the relationship between traditional Greek parents and their American born children who are beginning to adopt different cultural values. This seems to have been largely the love child of co-director William Kyriakis, himself a Greek immigrant who grew up in New York. He wrote most of the film himself and co-produced and directed with Metzger.

Though the film did well critically, even garnering praise from the New York Times, the difficulty finding a distributor and lack of advertising ensured box office failure. Dark Odyssey was eventually rescued from obscurity by First Run Features, who released in on VHS. Image Entertainment later released it on DVD as part of their extensive Metzger series. This version is now out of print, but you can still find copies online. Dark Odyssey is an interesting snapshot of a past era and is overall well made, with interesting characters, an emotionally impactful script, and gritty, but attractive camera work. With that said, unless you are a fan of neorealism, Dark Odyssey is probably not a must-see and feels out of place with the rest of Metzger’s work. 

Radley Metzger and the Golden Age of Porn

"Seduction is universal."
-Radley Metzger

Over the next month or so, I will be examining the work of erotica director Radley Metzger. Born January 21, 1929 in New York City, Metzger is one of the most important figures in the Golden Age of Porn, both as a director and as a film distributor. He began working in film as an editor, mostly making trailers for European art films. Here he came to be influenced by auteur directors like Orson Welles, Max Ophuls, and Michael Powell. 

In the early ‘60s, Metzger and partner Ava Leighton created Audubon Films, a distribution company specializing in international films, particularly exploitation and erotica. Audubon brought some of the most important and infamous early exploitation films to the U.S., including I Spit on Your Grave, I, A Woman, and many more, with Metzger often re-editing the films himself for American audiences. Audubon gave Metzger distribution opportunities unavailable to other directors of the period and most of his films were released through this company. 

Metzger’s work brought erotica and hardcore porn to a new level and it would only be right to call him an auteur of the genre. His sumptuous visual style, high production values, European location, reliance on literary sources for his scripts, and open-minded, sex-positive portrayal of both hard and softcore sex make his films exemplary of ‘60s and ‘70s porn culture. He directed conventional dramas and softcore erotica under his own name and hardcore porn under the pseudonym Henry Paris. Several of these porn productions were also released in softcore or edited versions to make them more accessible for wider audiences. The beauty of much of Metzger’s classy works is that it appeals to a diverse audience male, female, gay, straight, and everything in between, with large dollops of whimsy, humor, and lightheartedness. 

Dark Odyssey (1961) was Metzger’s noirish directorial debut with co-director William Kyriakis about the troubles of a Greek immigrant in New York and his quest to hunt down his sister’s rapist. When Metzger contacted Janus Films (now a sister company to Criterion) to release the film, he met Ava Leighton, his Audubon partner. Dictionary of Sex (1964) is a compilation of erotica that seems to be currently unavailable on DVD and I wasn’t able to find it online. These sort of compilations were typical of the period, probably for porn enthusiasts that didn’t feel the need to sit through an entire movie. 

The Dirty Girls (1965) is Metzger’s first erotic film and entails the lives of two prostitutes, one in Paris and one in Germany. Though not one of his best films, this shows Metzger’s future promise and is an interesting, episodic look at ‘60s erotica. The Alley Cats (1966) is another step towards Metzger’s more successful mid-period masterpieces and follows two married couples having affairs, experimenting with lesbianism, and some general Eurosleeze behaviors, but lovelier than most other films from this period. 

Carmen, Baby (1967) is Metzger’s first film with a literary, artsy inspiration: Prosper Mérimée’s novel Carmen, which was the source for Bizet’s more famous opera. This is a sort of rock ’n roll porn remake of Mérimée’s classic romantic tragedy about a beautiful, passionate gypsy woman and her love affair with a doomed robber. His next feature, Therese and Isabelle (1968) is one of the first films to positively portray a lesbian relationship, which occurs between the titular, teenaged characters. This emotional, lyrically erotic, yet subdued film is one of his first masterpieces and is based on one of writer Violette Leduc’s novels. 

Metzger returned to literature with Camille 2000 (1969), based on Alexander Dumas’s La Dame aux Camélias, also the source for the more famous Greta Garbo film Camille. It entails the rise of a courtesan from her lowly origins up through high society and towards her tragic death. Even bolder, The Lickerish Quartet (1970) is an erotic adaptation of Luigi Pirandello's famous play Six Characters in Search of an Author. This is also his last non-explicit film. He followed it up a few years later with Little Mother (1973), somewhat based on the life of Eva Peron and loosely similar to Camille 2000 in the sense that it  explores a woman’s rise to power. 

The Private Afternoons of Pamela Mann (1974) is Metzger’s first hardcore film and his first work under the name Henry Paris. A rich man hires a private investigator to trail his highly sexed wife who gets into a number of illicit adventures due to her rampant nymphomania. Score (1974), a sort of transition piece between soft and hardcore, is still transgressive today and shares almost equal time between heterosexual and homosexual sex. A number of European vacationers engage in constant, graphic sexual activity on a resort. Oddly, this was filmed in the former Yugoslavia on the remains of the Fiddler on the Roof set. 

Naked Came the Stranger (1975) is based on a well-known erotic novel that was revealed to be a hoax cooked up by a bunch of journalists. Metzger directs this with his characteristic humor, entailing the sexual pursuits of a married couple and their frequent infidelities. The Image (1975) is one of Metzger’s finest films and, like Score, is still delightfully transgressive. In this S&M themed film, a young woman learns all about the extremes of sexual punishment. 

The Opening of Misty Beethoven (1976) is undoubtedly Metzger’s erotic masterpiece and is one of the most famous films of the Golden Age of Porn. It won the very first award of the Adult Film Association of America and, if you only watch one film in Metzger’s catalogue, it should be this one. This adaptation of George Bernard Shaw’s Pygmalion marks the transformation of a lowly prostitute into a sexual master. This is truly a European production and spans five cities and three countries. It is an absolutely beautiful film. 

The irreverent Barbara Broadcast (1977) is one of my favorite of Metzger’s films and though it is flawed, wonderfully details the fantastic sexual adventures that take place at a New York restaurant, where a famous star is being interviewed by a journalist. The least of his hardcore films, Maraschino Cherry (1978) explores the relationship between a madame and a younger prostitute who wants to learn the ropes from her elder. The Cat and the Canary (1978) is one of Metzger’s few mainstream, non-erotic films. This enjoyable suspense/horror outing is the sixth film version of The Cat and the Canary, beginning with Paul Leni’s 1927 release based on John Willard’s play of the same name. An estranged family gathers together in a creepy old mansion to hear their long dead (and very rich) uncle’s will finally read. Unfortunately for them, a maniacal killer known as the Cat has escaped the madhouse and is on the loose. Murder and mayhem ensue. 

The World of Henry Paris (1981) is another compilation of erotica. There are some clips available on this online here and here. This is a delightful glimpse of adults only television history. Metzger returned to erotica with The Tale of Tiffany Lust (1981), which was co-directed by French pornographer Gérard Kikoïne. A housewife named Tiffany relieves her daily boredom by hiring a call girl to learn a few tricks (pun intended) and setting out on a journey of sexual self-discovery. Metzger’s final, somewhat disappointing film, The Princess and the Call Girl (1984), is about exactly what it sounds like. In a humorous, erotic riff on Mark Twain’s The Prince and the Pauper, a princess and a prostitute temporarily trade places.

Recently Metzger’s films have been rescued and reintroduced to a new generation of viewers in remastered Blu-ray and DVD editions full of special features and even a few commentary tracks from Metzger himself. Companies like porn distributor DistribPix, Cult Epics - who released a Blu-ray box set of the director’s work - and arthouse label Image Entertainment, among others. The latter company has begun a series of releases of his films and I'm hoping they work through the whole catalogue. 

Metzger is an undeniable influence on the Golden Age of Porn, which I am also going to touch on over the next few weeks. This period, from the late ‘60s to early ‘80s, marked a popularity and acceptance of porn and resulted in some of the greatest titles of the genre. Things like Deep Throat (1972), Behind the Green Door (1972), The Devil in Miss Jones (1973) and many other classic titles were viewed by mainstream audiences at drive ins and (non-porn) movie theaters and discussed openly as part of the cultural sexual revolution. 

Many of these movies represent freedom - political, personal, sexual - and acknowledge an acceptance or at least recognition of feminism and women’s sexuality, bisexuality, and homosexuality. In addition to the already mentioned films, I’m also going to review titles like Story of O (1975), Debbie Does Dallas (1978), Alice in Wonderland (1976), Through the Looking Glass (1976), and the sci-fi tinged Café Flesh (1982). I'm also going to take a look at a few erotic documentaries, such as Inside Deep Throat (2005), Arakimentari (2004), Mutantes: Punk Porn Feminism (2009), and Graphic Sexual Horror (2009), and a few recent studies on porn. I'm also going to review a few semi-recent erotic films I particularly like, namely The Ages of Lulu (1990), The Dreamers (2004), and Shortbus (2006), as well as share some news about Lars von Trier's most recent erotic masterwork, Nymphomaniac (2013), due out this winter. 

Viva porno chic!

KINGDOM OF THE SPIDERS

John Cardos, 1977

Starring: William Shatner, Tiffany Bolling, Woody Strode, Lieux Dressler

“Are you crazy lady? This is our home, and no damn spiders are gonna run us out!”

A veterinarian nicknamed Rack (Shatner) calls on a local farmer and his sick calf. The calf dies of unknown causes and Rack sends off a blood sample to be analyzed. Soon an arachnologist, Diane (Bolling), shows up with predictably bad news. The calf was killed by spider venom. A very large dose of spider venom. Despite Rack’s stubborn disbelief, more animals die and the farmer reveals a huge spider burrow on his land. Diane theorizes that because pesticides have killed off their natural food source, the big, hairy spiders are turning to large mammals, with humans next on the horizon. In retaliation, the farmer sets the spiders and their home on fire, but they escape and later kill him. The local sheriff tries pesticide, which also doesn’t work and leads to a widespread assault on the humans by their eight-legged enemies. Planes are crashed, cars and trucks are overturned and widespread panic is caused. Rack, Diane and some others hole up in a lodge and prepare to escape, but they are trapped by the spiders and prepare for a final showdown. 

This movie... it’s wonderful. There are a lot of mediocre arachnids attack films, but Kingdom of the Spiders sits securely at the top of the list and manages true greatness. For starters, there’s an amazing early performance from William Shatner. He’s not quite as over the top as Incubus, Kingdom of the Spiders is probably one of his most straightforward, restrained roles. With that said, it’s still Shatner being Shatner. You either think he is amazing or you are a fool. His infamous performance of “Rocket Man” is actually from the Academy of Science Fiction, Fantasy and Horror films award show, where Kingdom of the Spiders was nominated for Best Horror Film. 

The other actors can’t live up to Shatner, but do excellent work considering the film they were cast in. The lovely Tiffany Bolling (Candy Snatchers, Wicked Wicked) doesn’t get naked in this surprisingly straight role and is able to keep up with Shatner’s mildly offensive and male chauvinistic romantic banter. Their chemistry makes some of Shatner’s painful dialogue easier to bear. Marcy Lafferty (Shatner’s then wife) appears, as does Lieux Dressler (Grave of the Vampire). 

The ending is the second key reason to watch this film (after Shatner). It’s absolutely insane and is emphasized by the near perfect pacing of the film. I’m not going to spoil the fantastic, surprise conclusions, suffice to say that you will hopefully be as delighted by it as I was. 

5,000 tarantulas were used in the making of this film and by god, they are everywhere. Though a few rubber models were used, most of the tarantulas you see in this film are real. As a tarantula lover, it upsets me to think that some of them were harmed or killed during the making of this film, but I try not to focus on that. If you know anything about tarantulas, you would know that you have to keep them apart because they are territorial and cannibalistic. That means 5,000 separate containers. And actors and extras willing to have tarantulas crawling all over them. Fortunately Mexican red knees were used. They’re known for their docility and make great pets and movie spiders, though of course the red knee I had for a few years was a right bastard. RIP Armand. 

There is no mistaking the low budget of this film, which is particularly reflected in the stock music borrowed from TV shows like The Twilight Zone, but I don’t think the financial limits will surprise anyone familiar with the genre.  

Kingdom of the Spiders comes highly recommended. This is definitely the best spiders attack movie out there and has believable performances, solid direction, and some great cinematography that takes advantage of the Arizona setting. And a lot of amazing spiders. The special edition DVD is another excellent release from Shout Factory and includes a lot of great special features. There’s a great commentary track, some interviews, behind the scenes footage, etc. 

THE SWARM

Irwin Allen, 1978

Starring: Michael Caine, Katherine Ross, Richard Widmark, Richard Chamberlain

This is the last day of animals attack month, so I thought it was important to go out with a bang, as so basically every animals attack film since Jaws has tried to do. Though I love many of the films in this genre (Italian Jaws rip offs notwithstanding), The Swarm is one of my absolute favorites, because, well, the more ridiculous the better. 

Dr. Bradford Crane (Caine) is on the trail of a curious new species of bees. Evil, intelligent bees who are some how a genetic cross of sweet tempered, American honeybees and murderous African killer bees. The military, led by General Slater (Widmark) is skeptical of Crane, but is otherwise out of options when dealing with the deadly black cloud of killer bees that is devastating the Texas countryside. A small town near the army base is preparing for their annual flower festival. Can Crane and Slater save them in time? Absolutely not. They all die.

Second only to Kingdom of the Spiders, The Swarm is a solid gold piece of shit. If you are expecting something serious, this is not the film for you. There is some of the most ridiculous dialogue ever committed to film ("But the bees are our friends!") and plot lines wander in and out of the film with reckless abandon. Michael Caine's Crane is the centerpiece, but seems to have little to no idea what is going on nor does he understand the concept of time in any reasonable way.

Based on the novel of the same name by sci-fi author Arthur Herzog, who also brought us Orca, the combination of a story by Herzog and direction by Irwin Allen, despite his impressive resume of sci-fi and disaster films (The Poseidon Adventure, Lost in Space, Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea TV series), could not save The Swarm. Neither could Michael Caine, for that matter, or any of the long list of award winning actors in the film. How they tricked all these big name actors to appear, I have no idea. It certainly seems to be a clash of the egos. Besides Caine, Ross and Widmark, we also have appearances from Olivia de Havilland, Lee Grant, Patty Duke, Henry Fonda, Ben Johnson and Jose Ferrer, all vying for as much screen time as they can get. Surprise. Except for Caine and Ross, all of your characters are going to die and they will probably die mid-plot line, sometimes mid-conversation with half a back story unfinished. I don't know of many other films so excited to kill off its characters as The Swarm.

Characters aside, there are the bees. They don't just kill people, they also manage to blow up a nuclear power plant. Yes, blow up a nuclear power plant and everyone in the surrounding area is totally fine. Then they destroy a train. The good general decides to use flame throwers against them, but when those don't work, they purposefully spill oil into the Gulf of Mexico, lure the bees there and set the entire Gulf on fire. The truly ironic thing about this is that it's Crane's idea. He originally prevented General Slater from nuking the bees to high heaven out of his CONCERN FOR THE ENVIRONMENT.

From the get-go the film makes absolutely as little sense as possible, with bees taking over a missile silo, killing all the military personell, but then mysteriously disappearing and I guess taking the bodies with them. Dr. Crane waltzes into the missile silo like he doesn't know how he just happened to find his way into a secure military base and then the President gives him complete control over the operation.

As a final note, The Swarm has some of the worst special effects in any '70s film. I don't know how this cost more than 20 million dollars, but if you pick up the Warner DVD, the hilarious documentary will shed a little light on that. I want to recommend it because of how ridiculous and amazing everything is, but sitting through The Swarm is a true test of will. The original release was 116 minutes, but for some reason it was expanded to 156 minutes for the laser disc and later DVD. I sat through the whole thing, but this Youtube compilation might be enough unless you really love bad animal disaster films.