THE BARBARIAN QUEEN

Héctor Olivera, 1985

Starring: Lana Clarkson, Victor Bo, Susana Traverso, Dawn Dunlap

"No man can touch her naked steel!"

If you were to scrape the absolute bottom of the barrel of U.S.-Argentinian Roger Corman produced sword and sorcery films, there you would find The Barbarian Queen. As Red Sonja was to Conan, The Barbarian Queen is a spin-off of Deathstalker, meant to capitalize on Lana Clarkson’s role as the bare breasted, no-shit-taking warrior accomplice and lover of Deathstalker. Clarkson’s character here is a scantily clad warrior, but otherwise bears no connection to the superior Deathstalker.

On the day of her wedding, a barbarian queen’s village is attacked by a band of marauding Roman troops, who rape her sister and kill or enslave her subjects. The queen, Amethea, and two of her warriors set off to rescue her sister and her husband, both of whom are imprisoned by the leading centurion. After killing a number of soldiers and infiltrating the city, they are captured. One of Amethea’s companions is raped, the other is killed and Amethea is tortured on a rack and then raped. She is eventually rescued by some local rebels, who join her in her quest for vengeance. 

I made it clear that Deathstalker has silly dialogue, a lousy script, absurd acting, cheap effects, and so on, but The Barbarian Queen makes Deathstalker look like Academy Award material. It takes out 90% of the action and replaces it with women being degraded in a variety of ways, rape being the most popular. One of the classiest lines of dialogue is surely, “Nothing like a virgin to brighten a man’s morning.” Followed closely by, "If it hurts, you have only yourself to blame."

This is more of a barbarian film than sword and sorcery, as it lacks the latter, but it’s so preposterous I had to include it in my set of sword and sorcery reviews. It contains a lot of genre tropes: scantily clad women, battles, an entire village being massacred, a revenge plot, etc. And some stern sounding guy with an eye patch. 

"Let me see you. With your clothes off."

I don’t know if I can say that Héctor Olivera does his best directing here, but it’s certainly better than his other sword and sorcery film, Wizards of the Lost Kingdom (1985). He also produced Deathstalker, The Warrior and the Sorceress and Amazons, so he has plenty experience with lousy, low budget trash.  I don’t think I can recommend The Barbarian Queen, but you could certainly make a fun drinking game out of it. The film is utterly ridiculous and has some of the most absurd dialogue in the entire subgenre. It’s certainly funny, but none of the humor is intentional. Regardless, Lana Clarkson is beautiful and gave it her all. If it is worth watching at all, it is so because of her. It’s very sad that she will mostly be remembered for her murder at the hands of slime ball producer Phil Spector. At least there is a great scene where her torturer tries to rape her and she gets some serious vaginal revenge. 

“There are no little girls anymore.”

If you’d like to punish yourself with The Barbarian Queen, it is part of the excellent Roger Corman’s Cult Classics Sword and Sorcery Collection, which also includes Deathstalker, Deathstalker II and The Warrior and the Sorceress. 

There is a sequel, Barbarian Queen II: The Empress Strikes Back (1989), which doesn’t have a goddamned thing to do with the first movie. There is no empress in the original film, so I’m not sure how she can strike back. The only thing linking the films together is Clarkson and another scene of her being tortured on a rack. 

LADYHAWKE

Richard Donner, 1985

Starring: Rutger Hauer, Michelle Pfeiffer, Matthew Broderick, John Wood, Leo McKern

Ladyhawke might not be a traditional sword and sorcery film, but it does have both sword fighting and sorcery. I grew up loving it and decided to review this over the more popular Willow (1988), which everyone and their mother has seen (or ought to have). A young thief, Philippe Gaston, escapes the impenetrable dungeons of Aquila for the countryside, where he is barely a step ahead of the Bishop of Aquila’s fearsome guards. He is soon rescued by the black-clad Etienne of Navarre, former captain of the guards. Navarre travels only with his warhorse and a lovely hawk, but he rescues Philippe to lead him into the dungeons so that he can kill the Bishop. 

Not to ruin the surprise, though it is evident about half an hour into the film, but Navarre is cursed. He and his lady love, Isabeau, flaunted the Bishop, who is also in love with Isabeau. By day, Isabeau takes the shape of a hawk and by night Navarre is a black wolf. Determined to end their suffering, Navarre plans to kill the evil Bishop, but Philippe and an old monk, Imperius, have other plans.

In all fairness, I can’t recommend Ladyhawke. As I said, it isn’t really a sword and sorcery film. It’s an occasionally comic medieval romance that happens to have a little sorcery (the curse) and some sword fighting. If you are over the age of 20 and/or did not originally see this film in the ‘80s or early ‘90s, I can’t guarantee you will like it. Even though I have some nostalgic love for it, it’s not a very good film. I think my little kid mind was convinced that it was a romantic werewolf movie, which sounded great at the time. Actually, it still sounds great (and works in American Werwolf in London, 1981), they just didn’t do very much with it in the script. 

The best thing about the film is the cinematography from Vittorio Storaro (The Last Emperor, 1987). Filmed in Italy - though I think we are supposed to be in medieval France - every shot is absolutely gorgeous. Whether we are in the mountains, visiting a crumbling castle or stopping at a dingy inn, there is plenty of visual splendor. Unfortunately the visuals eclipse the acting, action and sorcery. This is basically a fairytale for adults and the only reason to see it is if you like the medieval fiction/romance genre. Seeing this many times at such an early age seems to have unfortunately shaped my adult perception of romance, where loving someone is a lot better when you don’t actually have to spend any time with them. 

Matthew Broderick has moments of charm and humor, but is mostly very annoying. The script has him constantly soliloquizing or making sarcastic asides to God. Michelle Pfeiffer doesn’t really act much here, though her presence alone is breathtakingly beautiful. In case anyone forgot (hopefully you did), she was in another werewolf romance movie: Wolf (1994) with Jack Nicholson. I like Rutger Hauer in everything, though even I have to admit that here he doesn’t seem to know what to do with himself. This is absolutely the fault of the script, which gives him little to do other than be handsome and brooding. The gruff Leo McKern is great in a surprisingly big role as Imperious. Another one of my favorite actors, Alfred Molina, appears briefly as a filthy wolf trapper. 

I’m not sure what Richard Donner was going for with Ladyhawke, but he is a competent enough director that I can’t call this a bad film, even if it isn’t great. It certainly doesn’t touch the general excellence of his catalog: The Omen (1976), The Goonies (1985), Lethal Weapon (1987), Radio Flyer (1982), etc. Easily the most awful thing about this film is its score, which was composed by Andrew Powell and produced by Alan Parsons, really making it an Alan Parsons Project score. This was Donner’s idea, for which he at least deserve a kick in the shins. The beginning of the film has the worst music, though by the end you are mostly able to forget the fact that you’re listening to a mix of Gregorian chants, orchestral music and prog rock. 

If you decide to watch it for the first time or revisit it after many years, there is a basic DVD from Warner, though it is out of print and grossly overpriced. I recommend a rental first. For some reason the disc is double-sided and comes with both widescreen and letterbox options, which seems insane to me, but Warner does make a lot of bad decisions. 

RED SONJA

Richard Fleischer, 1985

Starring: Brigitte Nielsen, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sandahl Bergman

Red Sonja rebukes the advances of Queen Gedren and cuts the queen’s face. As a result, Gedren has Sonja's entire family killed and orders her guards to rape Sonja. After her ordeal, she is visited by a spirit who grants her incredible strength so that she can get vengeance against Gedren. She trains to become a master swordswoman and hates most men. Her sister, Varna, a priestess, is trying to destroy the Talisman, a magic orb that wields terrible power. 

All the priestesses are killed and Varna is mortally wounded when Queen Gedren and her men seize the Talisman. Her sister contacts Lord Kalidor and explains the situation to him; he immediately tracks down Red Sonja, who vows to kill the Queen and destroy the Talisman, though she refuses Kalidor’s help. Sonja journeys to the queen’s castle and meets the young, spoiled Prince Tarn and his only remaining guardian, Falkon. Gedren destroyed Tarn's kingdom and he also wants revenge. They set off together, with Kalidor following behind, determined to protect Sonja and help her fulfill her promise. 

This isn't a popular opinion, but I actually enjoyed Red Sonja. It may be dumb, but it’s entertaining and is sort of a loose third Conan film. Red Sonja was created by Roy Thomas for Marvel’s Conan series in 1973, based on Howard’s Red Sonya of Rogatino from “The Shadow of the Vulture.” Red Sonja is set in the Hyborian age and has several returning Conan actors, Arnold Schwarzenegger as Lord Kalidor and Sandahl Bergman as Queen Gedren. I think the film would have been a lot better if Brigitte Nielsen and Bergman had switched roles, but then it probably also would be a lot better with a competent screenwriter. It has a nice peplum feel to it and was actually shot in Italy and scored by Ennio Morricone, though it feels like he’s going through the motions a bit -- not that I blame him. The silly, fast paced nature of the plot makes it a lot more lighthearted than Conan the Barbarian and the lack of constant comic relief makes it a little less groan-worthy than Conan the Destroyer. 

The sad fact is that we’re lacking both Conan and Valeria. None of the characters are given any real story arc or characterization. Yes, Sonja learns to like Kalidor by the end of the film and they exchange what is surely the most boring kiss in cinema history. This is Danish model Brigitte Nielsen’s first film role and though she looks the part, it’s a bit rough to have the two main characters speaking heavily accented English. Nielsen, in particular, seems to be delivering some of her lines phonetically and has almost no change in facial expression throughout the course of the film. I can’t really say anything good about the acting, but that is one of the film's charms if you like trashy movies. 

Sonja’s character is probably going to offend a lot of people. Her family’s murder and her subsequent rape are rushed past in under a minute. She is supposed to be the greatest warrior in the world, but Kalidor has to save her most of the time. Kalidor is a pretty stand up guy, but when he expresses interest in her romantically, she explains that she’s made a vow only to give herself to a man who has bested her in a fair fight. Which means she will only have sex with someone who has defeated her. And this is the woman who was raped in the beginning of the film. There has also been some criticism that the film is anti-homosexual, because Sonja rejects Gedren’s advances. I took it more as Gedren is evil and corrupt and Sonja wants revenge because Gedren had her tortured and her family killed. If it had been King Gedren instead of a queen, the situation would be the same. 

There are actually a lot of things working against Red Sonja. The effects are very cheap. It would have been nice to see a few more monsters, but there is only a mechanical sea serpent that thrashes Arnold around in the water for what feels like 10 minutes. There really isn’t too much adventure and it's sadly a pretty straightforward quest that will bore a lot of people. I’m a little mystified as to why the screenwriters thought to include Prince Tarn in the plot (Ernie Reyes Jr. from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles), but I guess they didn’t want to recycle any of the characters from the Conan films. 

I’m not sure if I can recommend Red Sonja. Arnold himself claimed it is the worst film he’s ever been in and punishes his children by making them watch it when they’re bad. For some reason I liked it. If you want to decide for yourself, there's a serviceable DVD from Warner. There are barely an extras, but that shouldn't come as a surprise. A sequel was allegedly under consideration, first by Robert Rodriguez, meant as a vehicle for his then-girlfriend Rose McGowan, but he dropped the project and I’m not sure what the plan is for it now. It really doesn't need to be remade. 

THE WARRIOR AND THE SORCERESS

John C. Broderick, 1984

Starring: David Carradine, María Socas, Anthony De Longis, Harry Townes

A swordsman named Kain finds his way to a small village in the middle of a desert on the planet Ura. Two rivals, Zeg and Bal Caz, are fighting to rule the town and control the limited water supply. Kain manipulates both of them, promising to lend each man his sword against the other in exchange for increasing amounts of money. Zeg has imprisoned a sorceress, because he wants her to create a magical sword for him, so that he can gain complete control of the town. Kain, recognizing her power, sets her free and decides to destroy both Zeg and Bal Caz to free the enslaved villagers. 

A sword and sorcery film starring David Carradine and with the same exact plot as Kurosawa’s Yojimbo probably sounds amazing, but it’s not really. This is yet another U.S.-Argentinian co-production from Roger Corman, which means you should expect a vague plot, very low budget effects, poor acting and worse dialogue. Like Deathstalker, it has its moments, but fails to live up to the fun or insanity of either Deathstalker or Deathstalker II. David Carradine is a welcome addition to the genre in general, but plays an even more reticent version of his character from Kung Fu and is unable to save the film. Don’t get me wrong, I love David Carradine and will watch him in anything, I just think The Warrior and the Sorceress is only for die-hard Carradine fans. 

The film is really crippled by a lack of compelling central villain. Luke Askew (Easy Rider, Cool Hand Luke) is sadly not at all good as Zeg, the main villain, though he takes a lot of amazing pauses during his dialogue. María Socas barely has a developed role as the sorceress, but she sure spends a lot of time naked. There might even be more nudity in The Warrior and the Sorceress than there is in Deathstalker, which is really saying something. Plus there’s an exotic dancer with four breasts, one more than Total Recall. 

Director John Broderick was a supervising editor for The Exorcist, but The Warrior and the Sorceress is one of his few directorial credits. He does a serviceable job here, though I have to congratulate him on the excellent use of lighting, which is almost Mario Bava-like, and helps to distract from the very cheap sets. He also keeps the film moving at a good pace, alternating between fight and rescue scenes. After awhile you get a little tired of the sorceress constantly being rescued, even if she is only wearing a g-string. There is a relatively high level of violence and we even get a few monsters, namely a weird, but well-designed spider with tentacles type being. 

Even though it isn’t one of my favorites, there are some fun moments in The Warrior and the Sorcerer and enough cheese to to please lovers of trash cinema. There are a couple of DVD releases available, including the double feature with The Barbarian Queen, but I recommend Roger Corman’s Sword and Sorcery Collection. This includes Deathstalker, Deathstalker II, The Warrior and the Sorceress, The Barbarian Queen and a smattering of extras. If you want to get into Argentinian sword and sorcery films, this is definitely the way to do it. Good luck. 

THE DEVIL'S SWORD

Ratno Timoer, 1984

Starring: Barry Prima, Advent Bangun, Gudi Sintara, Enny Christina

The Devil’s Sword ranks very highly on my list of sword and sorcery movies and might just be in my top five. Words can’t really do it justice, but I’ll try. If you’ve never seen any Indonesian horror/fantasy/exploitation films, you owe it to yourself to do so immediately. Start with Lady Terminator, Mystics in Bali and, of course, The Devil’s Sword. 

A meteor falls to the Earth and is made into a magical sword by an old man. He hides the sword after learning that it grants unimaginable power. Meanwhile, an evil goddess, the Alligator Queen, is kidnapping young men to fulfill her insatiable sexual appetite and to drain their energy to keep her young. Her henchman, Banyujaga, massacres a village in order to steal the princess’s new husband for the Alligator Queen. The warrior Mandala, once Banyujaga’s companion, vows to defend the village. He rescues the princess and takes her to retrieve her husband, but he must first locate the Devil’s Sword to stand a chance of defeating the Alligator Queen. 

Everything about this is completely insane and out of control. I can’t stress how bad the acting and dialogue are; so bad that they come full circle and help make the film the delightful mess that it is. The characters are constantly abusing one another - for example Banyujaga calls the princess a polluted bitch - and the dubbing makes for an even more surreal experience. There is nonstop violence and fighting, rivers of gore, decapitations and hacked off limbs, as well as an emergency double leg amputation. And lest we not forget about the laser crocodile, the Queen’s crocodile henchmen, unexpected cannibalism, etc. I couldn't even begin to list all the insane things that occur, nor would I want to ruin it for you. 

This isn’t technically a sword and sorcery film, but it borrows from the genre and from Italian sword and sandal movies, as well as from local myth. It just has way more people beating the living hell out of one another. In fact, when people get punched or hacked at with a sword they don’t just stumble or fall backwards, they fly several feet through the air. Star Barry Prima is associated with this loose genre of Indonesian action/exploitation films. Probably his most famous other effort is The Warrior or the amazingly titled Hijacked to Hell. I’m also dying to see Revenge of the Ninja. Co-star Advent Bangun also appears in some of these. 

There is an absolutely wonderful DVD from the great Mondo Macabro. It includes essays by founder Pete Tombs, trailers and an incredibly uncomfortable interview with Barry Prima. The Devil’s Sword comes highly recommended and I can guarantee it is not like anything else you’ve ever seen. Make of that what you will. 

THE DEMONIACS

Jean Rollin, 1974
Starring: Joelle Coeur, John Rico, Willy Braque

The late French director Jean Rollin made a name for himself with a number of obscure erotic horror films, most of which are concerned with nude vampires – The Rape of the Vampire (1968), the aptly named The Nude Vampire (1969), Lips of Blood (1975), The Living Dead Girl (1982), etc. He also made a handful of dream-like, disorienting horror films not associated with vampires, such as The Iron Rose (1973), The Grapes of Death(1978), Night of the Hunted (1980) and 1974’s The Demoniacs, also known as Curse of the Living Dead.

The Demoniacs is an odd blend of rape-revenge, pirate fantasy and erotic ghost story. This is an excellent example of the French cinema fantastique, which flourished in the 1960s and 1970s, blending horror, fantasy, erotica, and low budget production values and usually placing an emphasis on mood and visuals, rather than on linear narrative. Since Rollin’s death in 2010, many of his films have fortunately been released on DVD, including the ten now availablefrom Kino Lorber and Redemption. Though his work is not for everyone, it has languished in obscurity far too long.

A small band of pirates are looting a shipwreck when they discover two young female survivors. Encouraged by sadistic pirate Tina, the others rape and murder the two young women, who soon return to haunt them. The two speechless blonde women may still be alive, or they may be ghosts, but in order to revenge themselves against the pirates, they are temporarily given the power of a mysterious, satanic man kept prisoner in church ruins the locals believed to be cursed. They hunt down and terrorize the pirates, leading to a surprising, violent climax.

The Demoniacs’ nonsensical surrealistic plot is more melancholic than scary. Rollin refuses to answer any of the questions that arise – such as whether or not the girls are ghosts – but it benefits this odd, seaside tale of revenge. Though there is little graphic violence, there are a few murders and several rape scenes that are unpleasant, but fortunately tame compared to similar rape-revenge films from the period. There is almost constant female nudity and several softcore sex scenes, including a very lengthy scene of Tina masturbating on the beach while the two blonde girls are raped for a second time. The ending is anticlimactic, yet has an air of tragedy that suits the film. Look out for the guardian angel-like clown!

The undisputed star is Joëlle Coeur, the constantly nude, malicious female pirate. Her charisma moves this slowly paced, sometimes plodding film forward, as do the surreal set pieces. The acting is otherwise dull, or, at best, mediocre – typical of a Rollin film – and includes actors he worked with throughout his career, such as Willy Braque fromLips Of Blood and Paul Bisciglia from The Grapes Of Death. Leading lady Coeur also appeared in Rollin’s erotica films Schoolgirl Hitchhikers (1973) and Bacchanales Sexualles (1974). The Demoniacs’ lack of dialogue certainly helps this from descending into ridiculousness and is characteristic of much of Rollin’s work, which he wrote as well as directed.

The disc’s French language audio track is in LPCM 2.0 Mono with optional English subtitles. The Demoniacs’ scant dialogue sounds clean, and though there is a slight hiss throughout the film, it is not too distracting. A wonderful score from Pierre Ralph is definitely one of the highlights of The Demoniacs, and also sounds well balanced here.

The Demoniacs was mastered in high definition from the 35mm negative and is presented in a 1.78:1 aspect ratio. Kino and Redemption have not done any actual restoration work, so there are some occasional damages, white flecks and scratches. Though the print is not perfect, the non-interventionist transfer preserves the “film” look of the presentation. This is certainly the best available and is a big improvement over previous releases. The film’s odd, hallucinatory set pieces are enhanced by Jean-Jacques Renon’s absolutely beautiful cinematography. The Demoniacs’ haunting beach scenes are some of the best in the film, both poetic and threatening, and emphasize Rollin’s concern with style and mood over narrative structure.

There are a number of extras, including a three-minute introduction to the film from Jean Rollin, two lengthy deleted sex scenes presented in high definition and widescreen, and two minutes of unnecessary outtake footage. There are interviews with actors and Rollin-collaborators Natalie Perry and Jean-Pierre Bouyxou, the latter of whom speaks about his years of involvement with Rollin, as both an actor and a crew member. This is completed with a collection of high definition trailers for eight different Rollin films, all of which have been released by Kino and Redemption. Also accompanying the DVD is a 16-page booklet with informative notes from Video Watchdog’s Tim Lucas.

In good conscience, I can only recommend The Demoniacs to Rollin initiates or seasoned Eurohorror fans, as it is certainly an acquired taste. This fantastical, surreal blend of erotica, horror and revenge will delight some viewers, but leave others confused and frustrated, particularly during moments that opt to be willfully confusing and nonsensical. Neither the best nor worst of Rollin’s work, The Demoniacs has plenty to offer in the way of lush, dreamlike imagery, which remains the primary reason to seek out this installment in his canon.

CONAN THE DESTOYER

Richard Fleischer, 1984

Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Wilt Chamberlain, Grace Jones, Mako Iwamatsu, Olivia d’Abo, Tracey Walter

I’ve heard a lot of people talk shit on Conan the Destroyer, the somewhat more family-friendly sequel to Conan the Barbarian, but that’s a bunch of nonsense. Did you expect the same film to be made twice? Sure, it could have been darker, more violent and Conan could have dealt with his grief over Valeria’s loss in a different way. But this follows the Temple of Doom-style sequel: fun, light-hearted, and completely action packed, so relax, enjoy the ride and you won’t be disappointed. Beer might also help. 

Conan is roped into taking the Princess Jehnna on a quest to retrieve a magical jewel. Her aunt, Queen Taramis, promises Conan that the jewel will awaken their dreaming god, Dagoth, which will allow her to bring Valeria back from the dead. Taramis really plans on sacrificing the virginal Jehnna and killing Conan with the help of her bodyguard Bombaata. The small band is accompanied by a thief, Conan’s wizard friend Akiro, and the powerful woman warrior Zula. Conan must rescue Jehnna from a wizard, help her retrieve the jewel and a magical ivory horn, and brush off her sexual advances. They escape the blood-thirsty guardians of the horn, but Bombaata spirits Jehnna away and leads her to death. Can Conan save her in time and prevent the resurrection of Dagoth?

There are plenty of ridiculous moments, including a scene where Conan gets drunk and another, when he apologizes to the camel he punched in the first film, only to have it spit on him and get knocked out a second time. He also smashes the shit out of a room of mirrors and perhaps unadvisedly cracks a lot of jokes. The humor is the weakest part of the film and is laid on pretty thick, particularly from Mako Iwamatsu, who reprises his role as the sorcerer from the first film. The supporting cast is not as great as Conan the Barbarian, because of Sandahl Bergman’s absence and the lack of character development. There are also simply too many people on screen. Grace Jones is wonderful, as always. That woman is a powerhouse. Olivia d’Abo (cousin of Maryam d’Abo, my least favorite Bond girl of all time) pales in comparison and is simply annoying for the majority of the film. She can’t even get off of her horse without help. 

I’m really not sure why Wilt Chamberlin was cast in this film, but he is surprisingly good and somewhat ironic as the protector of the princess’s virginity. Who thought that was a good idea? But we’re all really here to see Arnold and he does not disappoint. 

The visual effects are a little subpar, particularly where the cheesy god/monster Dagoth is concerned. Andre the Giant allegedly plays the beast, hidden under lots of make up and padding. There’s no way to deny that there is less sex and violence than the first film, but it is still a lot of fun. The plot sort of goes through the motions, but it delivers what you would expect from a Conan sequel, namely lots of action sequences. Director Richard Fleischer (Red Sonja, The Vikings) does a decent, if uninspired job and there’s some nice cinematography from Jack Cardiff. 

Sadly, this was never followed by the planned third film, Conan the Conqueror, which was interrupted by Schwarzenegger’s commitment to Predator. The script for it was eventually turned into the lamentable Kull the Conqueror, starring Hercules’ Kevin Sorbo. Allegedly, now that the Governator is out of political office, he’s going to attempt a return to the series. 

Conan the Destroyer is out on DVD and Blu-ray. There’s a single disc DVD, though I’m reviewing The Complete Quest version, which includes both Conan films. None of these editions have many special features for Destroyer, though that doesn't come as much of a surprise.